Stuff My Roommate Says (Think You'll Understand All of Them?)

Many of us have people in our lives that are... well, you know, "uniquely entertaining". It could be that buddy who has absolutely no filter and just says whatever they are thinking, despite the repercussions. Or, maybe it's the drama queen/king who can make a bad day at work seem like nuclear war. I know a few of these people, but none of them deserves their own TV show more than my roommate, Roberto. 

New Year's in Pamplona, Spain

A Week in My Life

The best thing about my roommate is his timing. He understands that good jokes are not solicited and need to be delivered in moments when you are not ready or expecting to hear them. This usually results in the most open mindedness and unbiased responses from me. Most of his jokes require a decent level of English and Spanish, knowledge of pop culture and unpop culture, and sometimes, a disregard for decency. 

I also have him to thank for helping learn so much colloquial Spanish. Here is a short list of the many, many jokes and silliness that Roberto has shared with me, as best as I can remember. 

(I'll use the ≈ to show when it is based on the sound, and the = when it is a direct translation or double meaning)

Quips and One-Liners

"There is a package quatro you." (≈ for you)

"I'm going to eat some yo grito in English. Do you want some yo grito in English?"  (≈ ice cream)

"Now to add some water punch. (aguacate = avocado)

"It's all covered in amarillo in English." (yellow ≈ hielo = ice)

Watching a TV show: "I bet that guy's a bandeja puerta in English." (tray door ≈ traitor)

"Today is your green celery day. Apio verde to you!" (≈ Happy birthday to you)

I asked, "What are you eating for dinner?" 
He says "Who's here in Spanish." (Quien está aqui ≈ Kentucky (fried chicken))

"Did you see Rice Steward on TV?" (Arroz ≈ Rod)

He says, "I have a male donkey but I have to entertain him."
I bite, "Why?"
He replies, "Para que no se aburra." (you have to think hard to get this one)

I touched a hot plate and he says to me "C. Montgomery?" 
I responded "Huh?" 
He says, "Burns" (The Simpsons joke)

Dolores

Telling me about going out with some friends and each guy ends up paired with a girl. One friend gets a girl named Maria, another gets Pilar, while he is stuck with Pains. (Dolores = pains)

Jokes

¿Por qué Hulk Hogan desayuna? 
-Porque John Cena. 

What is Sherlock Holmes' favorite cheese? 
-El emental

Looking at my basketball he says, "I see you have a basketball for your back." 
I'm confused. 
He responds, pointing, "eSpalding" 

Hay un agricultura ciego y un dia sale de la casa y se nota que sus plantas son secas y dice, "Pues, ojalá lloviera" (yo viera)

Salida

Un tío está en un bar y pregunta al barman "Dónde está la salida?" El barman contesta y señala "La guapa con pelo rubio." El tío dice "No, digo de las emergencias." El barman contesta y señala "Ah, la gorda con bebidas en las dos manos."

Toilet Humor

While having my coffee, he comes in and announces, "I have a scale in my bathroom so I can know how much my turds weigh."
I respond, "You weigh yourself before and after, so that should be accurate."
He responds, "Ah, yeah, that's a good way too."

Pitos y Flautas

Hay dos tíos y uno dice, "Entre pitos y flautas me gaste 2.000"

El otro pregunta "En qué?"

El primero contesta "1.000 en pitos y 1.000 en flautas."

Aviation Advice

"Don't practice your Spanish on the plane. Why not? You may be trying to say things about the plane and accidentally say 'the wing ends'".  ( = la ala acaba ≈ well, you know)

Tres Cojos

Hay tres cojos en una playa y ven un grupo de chicas guapas y quieren acercarse para ligar, pero no quieren mostrar que son cojos. El primero dice, "Voy a ir saltando sobre una pierna y finjo que la arena está muy caliente." Lo hace y sin problema, consigue ligar con las chicas. El segundo dice, "Voy a fingir que hay agujeros en la playa y sigo cayendo en ellos." Lo hace y sin ser descubierto, consigue ligar con las chicas. El último dice, "Pues yo voy a fingir que voy cubriendo los agujeros que molestaba mi amigo!"

Pamplona, Say What?

You may also remember Roberto from the video I did about how foreigners, Spanish people, and Pamplonians... Pamplonites... Pamploneses think about the city we all currently call home.